Things I should remember

What it sounds like when I sleep, or try to sleep.

Why I do what I do.

I want to tell her I love her.

I'm distant, I observe. But it doesn't mean I don't feel. How did it turn into a defense mechanism. Sometimes I observe things too closely and it hurts a true exchange. Even when I'm listening to the other person, it's like there's a voice repeating the words back to me.

I always work on owning my reactions now. I think I could write a book about that.

I am so much happier being Rachel's friend now, but I still want more, at least to experiment with.

What are my normal moods?

Why can I just say things? Some people can talk without an editor between brain and mouth. I'm all editor between brain and mouth.

I want to express to her things other than being lonely, that there are thing in my life I need help about even if I wasn't lonely.

I wish I'd asked for help. I couldn't figure out who wasn't part of the problem (everyone but me, of course) so I couldn't have asked for help, even if I'd known what for or who to ask.

I'm naturally observant and analytical, but that shouldn't get in the way of me opening up to people.

I edit things down so people don't think I'm stalking them.

What is it like in my brain? What do I see and hear in there?

6:30 am

I woke up, bed was totally messed up, which never happens; I'm a neat sleeper, or at least a fairly contained one.

I dreamed on and off about my (ex)wife all night. Mostly dreams of familiarity, dreams of what we were supposed to be, or dreams that seemed to recognize our loss. And to make it all cheesy enough, I have "Take your breath away" by Sarah Maclachlan going through my head, like a soundtrack to my apparently depressing life. Yeah, I know it's about stalkers, but it's also about..."And after I/dry away your tears/I'll take your breath away..."

I give her my help and support freely. I still take care of her. I feel better when I do. But I don't get the help I want from her. I feel close to panic attacks, I get overwhelming sadness and I just want a hug, some contact, and I can't get it. I feel like she loves me, but doesn't want to love me. I want to tell her her sadness is because she knows it. She needs a best friend. I feel like I give that to her. But I don't get my best friend.

Who's coming?

So, yeah, that Sports Night episode really stuck with me. I get that feeling sometimes--that there's a darkness just out of touch, nibbling away at things, that feeling if you're going to have any luck, it's going to be bad.

It's that feeling you get when you watch a play in sports and just know your team is done. When you know the other shoe is going to drop. That an existential storm is coming.

That's Eli.

Halberstam

This blows:
Journalist David Halberstam killed in car crash

"The Best and the Brightest" is one of my all-time favorites. It was one of the two main inspirations for my senior thesis and taught me a great deal about organizational behavior.

Cake/Pizza

From the same episode:

Casey: I'm particular about cake. And I have to say, it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I'vefound that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting.

Although I always had the same theory about pizza: Everyone says they'll eat the veggie pizza, but everyone actually eats the pepperoni. So always get more of that and less veggie.

OK, I liked I am to misbehave

And I'll probably like it again... next time I see Firefly or Serenity. But Eli's Coming has been with me for a long time.

Dan Rydell: Eli's Coming.

Casey McCall: Eli?

Dan Rydell: From the Three Dog Night song.

Casey McCall: Yes?

Dan Rydell: Eli is something bad, a darkness.

Casey McCall: "Eli's coming. Hide your heart, girl." Eli is a inveterate womanizer. I think you're getting the song wrong.

Dan Rydell: I know I'm getting the song wrong. But, when I first heard it, that's what I thought it meant. Things stick with you that way.

Yes, they do stick with you that way.

I might fall asleep typing this

I learned not to write while I'm on Ambien, but I took it already...

So I went to the local Apple store and checked out Mac Notebooks. Not sure if their various weaknesses make up for the extra cost, and for the strgentgh of the platform. The screens are kind of small.

THen had dinner with R. I don't know what I 'm doing. She wants to hang with me, I want to hang with her. It's just that she knows I have some kind of feelings left... and I guess she seems happy to just leave it be, as long as I'm nice to her. and don;t act too maudlin around her. I don't have an agenda. I don't have some kind of sense that I know we're destined to be together... Frankly, I wonder why we don't just date until I leave... gives us a break, we can se where we are and until then, help each other out, solves our dating problem(s)

I also drank two glasses of wine and a bottle of beer. I also did some surfing for some fun tshirts to order, something for my school identity at Lewis & Clark.




I had like 9 or 10 at Fiddler's last night.

And the jazz still sucked.

No news

No real news on the dating front. Had beers with AB last night. She was a wreck! Not my fault, of course... Except the waitress/server/restaurant employee was really cute and I think she thought I was, too. Except that I think that she thought that I was breaking up with AB. I'll have to go back!

Dating in SLC really does suck. We were at Fiddler's last night; not that I was studying the crowd the whole time, but I don't think I saw a single person introduce themselves to another person. By single, of course, I mean not one, not even a married guy hitting on young girls.

Our President is a Drunk

What other conclusion can be reached? He walks like someone who is pretending not to be drunk. He is completely incoherent. "Polls go poof" "There is ample time to debate this war."

He's fucking drunk. He's an idiot. He's a criminal. He has no clue what he's doing, what life is about, anything. He really believes his own shit... thinks that God talks to him. We're so screwed.

His best friend in the world is Gonzo Gonzales. That should be enough said.

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is insane.

I am.

I am.