Full Sail...

Somehow I got quite drunk last night on two (2) Full Sail Slip Knot IPA's. Granted, they were 22 ouncers, but still--two beers!

I think I'm finally feeling the effects of getting off my Wellbutrin. I'm not quite depressed, I just feel, well, the closest feeling is "needy." I emailed an old gf last night. I almost hit on another friend last night while watching the Jazz game. I thought about sending an email to FF. I spent part of the afternoon with my ex, and had to try very hard not to be sad when we didn't kiss afterwards.

I'm trying to muscle through it, but I'm not doing all that well. Well, more to the point, I'm not sure how to muscle through it. It's not muscle-able, as it were.

I also managed to send sarcastic, almost mean (though in a clearly joking manner) to two Portland contacts. Don't know what the hell that was about. Need to remember that teasing doesn't get me what I want... even if it's funny, it doesn't get me anything, and doesn't get them anything.

My sleep patterns are getting worse again. I'm sleeping a lot, but need to be taking lots (well, a full pill) of ambien. I thought I was getting better... maybe I am, this is just a little chemical detour.

I was able to finish this Sunday's Times Crossword. I also finished the week before's. But I had to put it down for a while and actually finished it Saturday night. I say this by way of mentioning that my brain is somewhat working, at least.

What is normal?

Ok, so I've been separated since mid-June. I'd been on several medications before that, but June's when the real fun began. So now it's a few months later... I don't feel happy, I don't feel recovered. And I still take my medications. It occurred to me the other day I take FOUR fairly strongly psychoactive drugs on a daily or near-daily basis. Plus caffeine. I can't tell when I'm feeling blue if it's because I'm tired, or if it's something external, or something internal I'm not catching, or it's too many drugs, or not enough. I don't know where the bottom is. I can't tell what "normal" is... if I do experience it, it's so fleeting that I wouldn't know it... my moods don't last long these days. I wish more of them were positive, however.

I tried to sleep without Ambien the other night. Right after dinner I took 3 chlortrimetons. And 1 benedryl. And then at around 11:00, I took a rozarem. I was up 'til 3:00. And I don't think I felt tired at all.

It's not like it used to be--I'd be tired, but I'd start "churning" and I couldn't stop my mind. Now, I just don't get tired. I want to just click my heels three times and have the ambien kick in.

FF has pretty much disappeared. AB is still a pal, but nothing's going to happen. MM, well, she's on vacation and we've had no contact. I dont know how I feel about that. And R, I miss R. I want to cry when I think about her. Not to be overdramatic about it, but I really don't think I can live without her right now. I think that's one of the reasons I want a stable relationship, so I have that daily contact. Like I said to AB today in reference to MM, I'd rather have an hour a day with her, than nothing all week and a big friday or saturday date.

Shaky and Twingey

Yes, I meant to say Twingey. My hands are shaking. I know it's partially a side-effect of my zoloft. And I know it sometimes happens when I'm hungry or have too much sugar or caffeine. But I have a hard time telling what's "normal" these days. So I can't tell what it's from. I recently reduced my intake of the zoloft so maybe that will help. Of course, we'll see how I react emotionally!

Let's see, what else... I get Twingey. I don't know what else to call it. It's a momentary disorientation, a tiny little explosion in the middle of my brain. It doesn't really hurt. It is like, but not really, dizziness. And I've been that way recently, too.

OK, so here's another thing. I had a good time over the weekend. I'm winning one NCAA pool and I'm in the hunt for the other. I drank some good beer. I tried in vain to see FF. But on Sunday night, she told me that:

1. We talked Saturday night
2. I fell asleep during our conversation

Needless to say, at first I thought, oh, it was the ambien, I sometimes have slightly hazy memories after I take ambien. Sometimes I know I write emails that are a little "off" at that point. But I've never completely forgotten about sending one, or having a conversation. So I was a little surprised. So I checked my phone, nothing, incoming or outgoing after 10:00 pm Saturday night. I even logged into the Cingular website to check their call log. Same thing. Nothing. So either there's a global conspiracy, or she's lying. Neither really makes sense. It'd be too much of a concidence that the one time I completely forget about a phone call is also the one time somehow no record is made of the call.

So I don't know what to think. She might not be lying, just confusing me with someone else.

Not live blogging

It was fun, but I became self-concious when someone came over. So I stopped. I would say a tentatively successful experiment.

So, tonight, FF tells me that we talked last night and I fell asleep on the phone.
I don't remember talking to her.
My phone doesn't list any calls either two her or from her.
I guess she could have meant IM'ing.
But she seemed pretty sure.

So, am I crazy? Has my use of ambien gotten that far off the rails? Or is she slightly mistaken? Or way mistaken?

And there's sort of a new face on the horizon, Soni. She isn't going to be a romance, but a sexual thing with no strings and emotional attachments would be good for me as I count down towards my move to Portland.

Anti-social drinking

So I had a date last night with MM. Went ok, like I said. But now it's Saturday, 5:55. I'm drinking alone.

Starting with some white wine. Nothing like an anti-social aperitif. Bitter, bitter, bitter. How can I spend a day essentially having no communications?

So here is the complete census of my interactions with humans...
1. Ordered some tea.
2. Talked to my ex. She was crying, I had to talk her down. Now that I'm alone, of course, here I am, talking to you.
3. Slight interaction with someone at Tea Grotto who asked out loud about free wireless (they have it.)
4. Does buying a plane ticket online count?
5. Paid for my tea. (I should point out they have a new cute girl working there.)
6. Bought something at PetCo or PetSmart.
7. Received a message from MM. Returned it. That was very nearly 1.5 hours ago.

Seven. Seven stinking interactions?

Oh, sent and received a total of 5 text messages between myself and AB and FF.

Wow. And I'm drinking???

There's a Doctor Who marathon on, that ends in 53 minutes. And then BBC has a new Robin Hood show. Which looks bad, but, you know, what the hell else am I going to do? I still have probably 2 glasses of white wine. And then probably 3 more of red. And I'm going to drink that, too. Because, again, what the hell else am I going to do?

I'm looking at this beautiful sunset and it's doing very little for me. I don't like being alone. I don't really care if drinking 5 glasses of wine is bad for me or not at this point. At least it's not crappy wine!

Wow. A month.

I procrastinate, what can I say. I had a hard time being objective, got kind of sucked in. But here's the update:
AB: Still friends.
AM: Nutjob. Totally fucking crazy. When we met, she was really bitter about her ex, who was dating someone else in her office. I began to suspect her nuttiness, and lost track. One day I checked her Myspace page, and she's engaged to him again. She wanted to kill him six weeks ago.
MM: We are seeing each other, I'll probably have to give a longer update. Still not often enough.
FF: We met for the first time this week. She's got her doubts (and so do I).

Not sure there's anyone else on the horizon. Well, I met a friend of a friend who might work for hook-ups. But we'll see.

The third wave was a complete failure. Only one response, and she was just nice enough to write me to tell me she had met someone that she was going to see exclusively.

I haven't tried again. I generally get four or five contacts a week from Yahoo! but none of them are really interesting and most are, frankly, beneath me.

Saturday Morning, another one

Another Saturday morning, that is. Weather (outside): Sunny, but colder than hell. Weather (inside): Tentatively hopeful but small element of fear.

Let's see... still no contact to FL. Feel bad about that.

ML... well, another IM discussion Thursday, I was feeling pretty jazzed about her. But she's kind of disappeared. Sent probably too many (is 4 too many over 24 hours?) texts and one or two IMs to her, nothing back. So we'll see. Text isn't most people's preferred method of communication. And, according to her IM status, she's "out" which could actually be a sign that she wanted me to know she wasn't available, rather than avoiding her. Or perhaps I am overthinking it. Wouldn't be the first time. We talked about talking today, I'll call in a few hours.

Got an email late last night from someone from the past--if before Xmas can be considered the past. We had a disagreement about how much contact was reasonable and I sent her a nice email saying when her life was less busy I'd be happy to talk again--and then I wrote her off. Not sure if she even meant to email me. Because of that, not even giving her a label yet. The email had an oddly nonchalant tone to it that makes me wonder if she'd mistaken me for someone else. We'll see.

Talked very briefly with HG last night. There's something not quite right. Can't put my finger on it. Her work is very busy--two employees out unexpectedly--but I guess it seems like work impinges too much on her outside of work. I know that happens to people and I'm trying to withhold judgment. She had to bag out on lunch yesterday, which was fine-- I had a meeting that I could have missed but I'm glad I didn't. We're also supposed to talk today or tomorrow for plans on Monday. We talked about skiing but there's no way I'm going outside for any extended period of time in that icebox outside. ML had wanted to try to do something then, too, so I have to say that it could get interesting if HG kind of pulls away. But I feel like she has the day until I hear otherwise.

Just to keep the updates coming, I got a message from FF saying she hadn't logged in in a few days and that it wasn't a snub. I'll keep an open mind about her, but the onus will be on her to contact me, I guess. I wrote her a nothing note this morning to kind of knock the ball back into her court.

Hump Day

Weather (outside): Supposed to get warm today, frigid the rest of the week.
Weather (inside): Hoping for kind of the opposite.

Quick updates: Met Kim, she's going to be a no-go. I like her ok but not my type. I could handle meeting for beers or drinks or coffee/tea, but there will be no kissy-kiss. Good example of how the right pictures can be a little misleading. No blame--she added flattering pictures, I saw what I wanted to see!

Still just talking to HG. She seems pretty into me, was very thankful when I called her last night. Lunch Friday, ambiguous plans for Monday. Babysitter problems.

AM continues to make periodic contacts, but seems to have no interest at all in taking things further. Not sure why she makes those contacts.

No real talk with FL. I emailed her yesterday but nothing back. She apparently doesn't have email at home. Which makes her the opposite of HG, who only has email at home. I feel less enthusiastic about her. Can't figure out why, she seems nice and from her pictures pretty attractive. But between the Ogden thing and her schedule and I don't know, what seems like a lot of work, not sure she's worth it.

New contact: As soon as I declared Yahoo Personals a disaster, someone new comes along. First, I have two women contacting me on YP that are just not my type and I'm trying to figure out how to handle it. One even sent an email blaming herself for my silence--a bad sign on several levels. But anyhoo... New contact is ML. 29, works, makes decent $$, seems cute if a little short, 5-yo daughter, divorced, recently in Utah, though not sure how recent. Not a stunner but cute, like I said. She seems enthusiastic and into it. But we've been there before, haven't we? Tonight will be telling with her, she wants to exchange IM's.

Speaking of IM's, FF has pulled back. I guess I'm ok with that. She's nice and cute and all that, but, well, I already talked about it. Will let her make the next move. She keeps a certain distance.

So that's the quick update. Getting more used to the whole dating thing. Need to master how to say no or at least make myself seem unavailable in a nice but not too passive-aggressive way.

Monday morning update

Weather (outside): Apparently cold, definitely cloudy
Weather (inside): Cautiously optimistic

So Saturday I met in person HG. She seems very nice. Kid with ambiguous parentage, she didn't volunteer what happened to dad, I never quite found a good segue into it. She's not a stunner--except when I told her I might be moving, then she seemed a little stunned--but attractive, fairly smart, easy to talk to. Goodnight kiss = yes. Nothing smashing, the kind of thing I might do with an old friend. But still.

And I'm still talking to FL. I really have no idea what's going on there. I like talking to her, but... well, she's in Ogden, for one thing. That's a long ways a way. I wonder if I'm talking to her just because she's talking to me? I've been known to do that.

I got an email from someone I had one date with (no nickname needed)... apparently I dated one of her friends, too, so she's no longer in the picture. She didn't seem mad and I didn't pursue it. I'm guessing it's HG, but asking is kind of out of the question, isn't it?

And I think Yahoo Personals is kind of a disaster so far. Several interesting people who keep looking at me, but don't respond to my emails. A consistent flow of folks who are, to be frank, not possibilities and there are two people I'm talking to, FF, and someone else who I don't mind talking to but am not attracted to. That seems more the norm in Yahoo Personals than in Match. At this point I kind of feel like my dance card is full. I don't think I've met the girl of my dreams yet. And, AM, my only likely sleep-over mate, keeps not doing it. I'm probably too nice, but I digress... Anyway, I kind of feel like between FL and HG right now, chatting with FF, well, it seems like a lot. I'm going to keep looking, but I can't juggle FL, HG, AM, FF, and even Kim, who I haven't talked about yet.

Kim: No initials, sorry. Breaking my rule. She's a little older, her pictures seem spread out over several years, so it's hard to tell what I'm getting into. But we talked for like an hour the other night and she even called me back to ask about some Match procedure. So we'll get togther this week and see if we go beyond tea/coffee or not.

So anyway, yeah, between getting the You Dated my Friend email and having to remember who I've told what anecdote to and just having the time, well, I feel like I can't do a lot more. We'll see, right?

And, I mean, more proof that Salt Lake City is a really small town. I only guessed that it's HG based on the timing. But how small is SLC when I date two friends who don't work together, and don't have that much in common other than Match? Anyway, no biggie, I'll live.

More things I've learned

I was talking to someone we'll call HG last night. She's my age, has a five-year old, works in corporate america. She seems nice but I only have one picture of her. We're meeting Saturday night. But as we were making plans she made a comment about her physical appearance that I could neither prove nor disprove from her picture. And I couldn't get her to tell me if she was telling the truth last night.

I also met AM in person. She's almost, but not quite as cute as I thought she'd be in person. She's a little, well, white-trashy. I think she's pegged me as "friend" but who knows. We had beers and talked about Match and her life as a serial stalkee. We've talked since but she either doesn't get flirting or really wants to be friends. And this will make me seem like a jerk, but she's not smart enough to be my friend... though I think we could be friendly and be physical. It's still a discovery process. She's kind of primal and wild and maybe that could be fun. I think she also has drama written all over her, but who knows.

Who else is there? FF? Yeah, FF. 11 years my junior, kids. Unclear if she wants more. We chat a lot using IM, also a ripe subject for a post. But she's cute in a slightly pudgy soft nerdy kind of way. But she's also beneath me (if we can use that kind of language in this century) socially and educationally. She's not as smart as I am, but that's not a requirement. She's curious and has lots of stuff going on. I mean, I couldn't raise two kids and work and try to go to school. So she's got something going on. But I also feel vaguely creepy? voyeuristic? talking to someone who's a kid in some ways. She's the one I mentioned as having the two sides of being unjaded but also kind of naive and sheltered. So we've chatted online almost every night this week and I have no idea what it means or whether she sees me as a possibility or as someone who's funny and online. And I don't know if I feel the same way about her... I almost feel like I'm taking advantage, that it's like an expert boxer going against an enthusiastic newcomer. Without trying, I could stun her... she's have no idea what hit her, and that's if I wasn't trying to deceive her. I'm not. And I don't see this as a battle. But looking at it like Nick Naylor would, she's got no defenses against me. My arguments, even my negotiations, would be like Nick and the Senate Staffer... it would be over before she knew what happened. At it worries me that I in effect don't know my own strength when it comes to this.

So that's that. And I haven't gotten to FL yet; she's the one I wrote the note to. It's not accurate to have described her as a friend, that was just a euphemism, I suppose. She's my age, has a daughter who's, well, almost of an age that I might not feel too guilty being attracted to her. the daughter that is. She lives farther away than I'd like. She contacted me, I don't know anything. I wonder if I am trying to scare her away... I'm not 100% sure I would have contacted her if she hadn't contacted me first. But I don't know because she didn't come up in my search because of the distance factor.

Out of batteries and no powercord. Maybe more later. Well, more later... maybe more tonight since it seems that I'm solo tonight.