I just realized

I just realized that MM is HG. So much for smart.

I also just realized that "Wait 'til we get our Hanes on you" is a pun on "wait til we get our hands on you." So much for really smart.

Back to dating...

Weather report: Cold, partly sunny, but warmer than yesterday.
Mood: A little warmer than that, even.

So I told a friend about my theory of meeting people in SLC and she said that in some places, she actually gets approached by men. So maybe I'm just ugly. Or people in SLC are old-fashioned. There's an insight for me.

I had a date with someone the other week who had a rape fantasy. Really. I was hammered but didn't oblige. Not sure how one's supposed to handle that. She also talked dirty and said she hadn't had sex for two years. And she had had a child about 10 years ago with a player on the Jazz. So, overall, kind of a strange night. In hindsight, she also paid for drinks. Kind of a win/win. But not really. She hasn't re-contacted me and I can't say that I'm too heartbroken.

What should I drink tonight? Red? I had a beer last night, MM had to cancel. I bought a bottle of very cheap Zin last week ($3.95) so maybe I should try it. If it's halfway decent, I can buy more. If it sucks, it's not like it was going to get better with age!

OK, Now what?

Now what do I do? So, I haven't met anyone new in some time. MM got back from vacation late last week and I'm seeing her tonight for the first time in almost two weeks. I'm really not all that excited about it. It's really more something to do. I'm still in love with my wife. I don't know what to do about that. She clearly still has something for me, but she won't allow it to be love... So who the Hell knows?

Weather: Cold, windy.
Mood: Cold, windy.

Wine for the night: Sturdy, red.

What else is there?

What is normal?

Ok, so I've been separated since mid-June. I'd been on several medications before that, but June's when the real fun began. So now it's a few months later... I don't feel happy, I don't feel recovered. And I still take my medications. It occurred to me the other day I take FOUR fairly strongly psychoactive drugs on a daily or near-daily basis. Plus caffeine. I can't tell when I'm feeling blue if it's because I'm tired, or if it's something external, or something internal I'm not catching, or it's too many drugs, or not enough. I don't know where the bottom is. I can't tell what "normal" is... if I do experience it, it's so fleeting that I wouldn't know it... my moods don't last long these days. I wish more of them were positive, however.

I tried to sleep without Ambien the other night. Right after dinner I took 3 chlortrimetons. And 1 benedryl. And then at around 11:00, I took a rozarem. I was up 'til 3:00. And I don't think I felt tired at all.

It's not like it used to be--I'd be tired, but I'd start "churning" and I couldn't stop my mind. Now, I just don't get tired. I want to just click my heels three times and have the ambien kick in.

FF has pretty much disappeared. AB is still a pal, but nothing's going to happen. MM, well, she's on vacation and we've had no contact. I dont know how I feel about that. And R, I miss R. I want to cry when I think about her. Not to be overdramatic about it, but I really don't think I can live without her right now. I think that's one of the reasons I want a stable relationship, so I have that daily contact. Like I said to AB today in reference to MM, I'd rather have an hour a day with her, than nothing all week and a big friday or saturday date.

Wow. A month.

I procrastinate, what can I say. I had a hard time being objective, got kind of sucked in. But here's the update:
AB: Still friends.
AM: Nutjob. Totally fucking crazy. When we met, she was really bitter about her ex, who was dating someone else in her office. I began to suspect her nuttiness, and lost track. One day I checked her Myspace page, and she's engaged to him again. She wanted to kill him six weeks ago.
MM: We are seeing each other, I'll probably have to give a longer update. Still not often enough.
FF: We met for the first time this week. She's got her doubts (and so do I).

Not sure there's anyone else on the horizon. Well, I met a friend of a friend who might work for hook-ups. But we'll see.

The third wave was a complete failure. Only one response, and she was just nice enough to write me to tell me she had met someone that she was going to see exclusively.

I haven't tried again. I generally get four or five contacts a week from Yahoo! but none of them are really interesting and most are, frankly, beneath me.