I just realized

I just realized that MM is HG. So much for smart.

I also just realized that "Wait 'til we get our Hanes on you" is a pun on "wait til we get our hands on you." So much for really smart.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

Weather (outside): sunny and cold.
Weather (inside): A bit of haze.

Well, here we are. Update time. Not too many updates, really. Did some high level flirting with AB. We've clearly decided we aren't going to date, but we seem to have agreed to have sex. Not to be blunt in any way. I like the attitude... I'm still not super attracted to her, she needs to drop about 15-20 pounds. It's kind of a spare tire, too. Not to be mean. But she seems to want to and I decided early on that when a woman wants to come over, have a bottle of wine, screw, and then she'll leave, well, it's hard not to agree to that.

ML is gone. It's disappointing, but that's how it goes. Even though I think we could have had fun, I guess that we aren't going to. And if she reacted like that, there's something else--I can't have a relationship with someone with that kind of attitude about relationships.

HG... Well, saw HG on Thursday night. Had a really good time. We talked Saturday. I'm trying to figure it out. She's really easy for me to be with. She seems to find it easy to be with me. We have good kisses. She has her own life, which is good, but I'm not sure how I can fit into it. If my experiences over the last few months have taught me anything, I need to include my "special someone" into my life, and me into theirs. Not every day. Not all the time. I'm not 100% sure how to describe it--I want to be the default option? Not that I won't be with her... but I'm not now. I haven't been on Match in several days, I don't really want to, I think I could date just her, but only seeing her once a week isn't going to cut it for me.

But I also don't want to push her. It's still her life. With a kid and a very hard job, I expect she can't just incorporate me, even if she wanted to.

Yeah, and the irony of what I just said about AB isn't lost. I don't feel like I need the sex. But it would be fun. And I like the idea of being exclusive with HG. Can I be strong enough to do that, just for myself? I'm fairly certain she's not sleeping with anyone else, so should I pay her that respect and keep myself clean? Er, so to speak.

It's interesting who I've liked and who I haven't. At the same time, it's been interesting who has liked me and who hasn't. HG doesn't really fulfill my list of objective criteria--if I made a composite of "my type" she doesn't fall into those parameters. She doesn't fall very far outside them, however. When it gets down to it, I just feel comfortable with her. Our first kiss was nice but not too dramatic. I'm sexually attracted to her without lusting after her. We touch each other easily. We'll see if we can entertain each other for longer.

It's hard, I don't look at her and think "she's the one" in the way I thought I would. I don't know if it's because I've grown up, or she isn't. But if she's not, what is she?

Arrg.

The verdict: Both!

Weather (outside): Cold and sunny, again.
Weather (inside): Cold and damp.

So, here's how it breaks down... still no contact from ML. So I was right that something was afoot. I called one last time Sunday night (it's Tuesday) and said "Hey, still want to talk with you, not sure what's going on, if you've just been occupied or if I ticked you off somehow..."

But for now, I'm working under the assumption that I did do something to tick her off. I just have no idea what it is. Pretty frustrating.

After a 10-day gap, HG and I had another date... lunch and a movie. We held hands in the movie and had a very nice goodbye kiss. She still keeps me at a distance and with her child, it might be another week or so before I see her again. It's a little frustrating.

So the theme of the day is "frustration." And to top it off, I have "You are so Beautiful" running through my head. I have no idea where from, it seems like it just popped into my head. I know I haven't heard it anywhere. Except.... IN MY HEAD!

...or maybe I'm not

Yeah, so still nothing. I called twice--trying desparately to not be a stalker. It might be something innocent. So who knows???

Do I keep calling? Yes, no? Text again? I know that not everyone goes places with their phones, but it's also almost 8:00 and ML's little girl will probably need to go to bed soon, no? I am tempted to write a "Just tell me if you're ignoring me" email, but those don't really do anything. Well, it might if she said "Take the hint, moron" but those emails can also be self-fulfilling.

I should be more confident, but I'm not right now.

I talked to HG briefly. She was tired and not very conversational, although she called me. We're still on for Monday; I was less excited when I thought that ML was into me. But now, well, something is better than nothing. Not that HG is nothing. But I hope she finds some inspiration soon... I can't do it all on my own!

Saturday Morning, another one

Another Saturday morning, that is. Weather (outside): Sunny, but colder than hell. Weather (inside): Tentatively hopeful but small element of fear.

Let's see... still no contact to FL. Feel bad about that.

ML... well, another IM discussion Thursday, I was feeling pretty jazzed about her. But she's kind of disappeared. Sent probably too many (is 4 too many over 24 hours?) texts and one or two IMs to her, nothing back. So we'll see. Text isn't most people's preferred method of communication. And, according to her IM status, she's "out" which could actually be a sign that she wanted me to know she wasn't available, rather than avoiding her. Or perhaps I am overthinking it. Wouldn't be the first time. We talked about talking today, I'll call in a few hours.

Got an email late last night from someone from the past--if before Xmas can be considered the past. We had a disagreement about how much contact was reasonable and I sent her a nice email saying when her life was less busy I'd be happy to talk again--and then I wrote her off. Not sure if she even meant to email me. Because of that, not even giving her a label yet. The email had an oddly nonchalant tone to it that makes me wonder if she'd mistaken me for someone else. We'll see.

Talked very briefly with HG last night. There's something not quite right. Can't put my finger on it. Her work is very busy--two employees out unexpectedly--but I guess it seems like work impinges too much on her outside of work. I know that happens to people and I'm trying to withhold judgment. She had to bag out on lunch yesterday, which was fine-- I had a meeting that I could have missed but I'm glad I didn't. We're also supposed to talk today or tomorrow for plans on Monday. We talked about skiing but there's no way I'm going outside for any extended period of time in that icebox outside. ML had wanted to try to do something then, too, so I have to say that it could get interesting if HG kind of pulls away. But I feel like she has the day until I hear otherwise.

Just to keep the updates coming, I got a message from FF saying she hadn't logged in in a few days and that it wasn't a snub. I'll keep an open mind about her, but the onus will be on her to contact me, I guess. I wrote her a nothing note this morning to kind of knock the ball back into her court.

Hump Day

Weather (outside): Supposed to get warm today, frigid the rest of the week.
Weather (inside): Hoping for kind of the opposite.

Quick updates: Met Kim, she's going to be a no-go. I like her ok but not my type. I could handle meeting for beers or drinks or coffee/tea, but there will be no kissy-kiss. Good example of how the right pictures can be a little misleading. No blame--she added flattering pictures, I saw what I wanted to see!

Still just talking to HG. She seems pretty into me, was very thankful when I called her last night. Lunch Friday, ambiguous plans for Monday. Babysitter problems.

AM continues to make periodic contacts, but seems to have no interest at all in taking things further. Not sure why she makes those contacts.

No real talk with FL. I emailed her yesterday but nothing back. She apparently doesn't have email at home. Which makes her the opposite of HG, who only has email at home. I feel less enthusiastic about her. Can't figure out why, she seems nice and from her pictures pretty attractive. But between the Ogden thing and her schedule and I don't know, what seems like a lot of work, not sure she's worth it.

New contact: As soon as I declared Yahoo Personals a disaster, someone new comes along. First, I have two women contacting me on YP that are just not my type and I'm trying to figure out how to handle it. One even sent an email blaming herself for my silence--a bad sign on several levels. But anyhoo... New contact is ML. 29, works, makes decent $$, seems cute if a little short, 5-yo daughter, divorced, recently in Utah, though not sure how recent. Not a stunner but cute, like I said. She seems enthusiastic and into it. But we've been there before, haven't we? Tonight will be telling with her, she wants to exchange IM's.

Speaking of IM's, FF has pulled back. I guess I'm ok with that. She's nice and cute and all that, but, well, I already talked about it. Will let her make the next move. She keeps a certain distance.

So that's the quick update. Getting more used to the whole dating thing. Need to master how to say no or at least make myself seem unavailable in a nice but not too passive-aggressive way.

Monday morning update

Weather (outside): Apparently cold, definitely cloudy
Weather (inside): Cautiously optimistic

So Saturday I met in person HG. She seems very nice. Kid with ambiguous parentage, she didn't volunteer what happened to dad, I never quite found a good segue into it. She's not a stunner--except when I told her I might be moving, then she seemed a little stunned--but attractive, fairly smart, easy to talk to. Goodnight kiss = yes. Nothing smashing, the kind of thing I might do with an old friend. But still.

And I'm still talking to FL. I really have no idea what's going on there. I like talking to her, but... well, she's in Ogden, for one thing. That's a long ways a way. I wonder if I'm talking to her just because she's talking to me? I've been known to do that.

I got an email from someone I had one date with (no nickname needed)... apparently I dated one of her friends, too, so she's no longer in the picture. She didn't seem mad and I didn't pursue it. I'm guessing it's HG, but asking is kind of out of the question, isn't it?

And I think Yahoo Personals is kind of a disaster so far. Several interesting people who keep looking at me, but don't respond to my emails. A consistent flow of folks who are, to be frank, not possibilities and there are two people I'm talking to, FF, and someone else who I don't mind talking to but am not attracted to. That seems more the norm in Yahoo Personals than in Match. At this point I kind of feel like my dance card is full. I don't think I've met the girl of my dreams yet. And, AM, my only likely sleep-over mate, keeps not doing it. I'm probably too nice, but I digress... Anyway, I kind of feel like between FL and HG right now, chatting with FF, well, it seems like a lot. I'm going to keep looking, but I can't juggle FL, HG, AM, FF, and even Kim, who I haven't talked about yet.

Kim: No initials, sorry. Breaking my rule. She's a little older, her pictures seem spread out over several years, so it's hard to tell what I'm getting into. But we talked for like an hour the other night and she even called me back to ask about some Match procedure. So we'll get togther this week and see if we go beyond tea/coffee or not.

So anyway, yeah, between getting the You Dated my Friend email and having to remember who I've told what anecdote to and just having the time, well, I feel like I can't do a lot more. We'll see, right?

And, I mean, more proof that Salt Lake City is a really small town. I only guessed that it's HG based on the timing. But how small is SLC when I date two friends who don't work together, and don't have that much in common other than Match? Anyway, no biggie, I'll live.

More things I've learned

I was talking to someone we'll call HG last night. She's my age, has a five-year old, works in corporate america. She seems nice but I only have one picture of her. We're meeting Saturday night. But as we were making plans she made a comment about her physical appearance that I could neither prove nor disprove from her picture. And I couldn't get her to tell me if she was telling the truth last night.

I also met AM in person. She's almost, but not quite as cute as I thought she'd be in person. She's a little, well, white-trashy. I think she's pegged me as "friend" but who knows. We had beers and talked about Match and her life as a serial stalkee. We've talked since but she either doesn't get flirting or really wants to be friends. And this will make me seem like a jerk, but she's not smart enough to be my friend... though I think we could be friendly and be physical. It's still a discovery process. She's kind of primal and wild and maybe that could be fun. I think she also has drama written all over her, but who knows.

Who else is there? FF? Yeah, FF. 11 years my junior, kids. Unclear if she wants more. We chat a lot using IM, also a ripe subject for a post. But she's cute in a slightly pudgy soft nerdy kind of way. But she's also beneath me (if we can use that kind of language in this century) socially and educationally. She's not as smart as I am, but that's not a requirement. She's curious and has lots of stuff going on. I mean, I couldn't raise two kids and work and try to go to school. So she's got something going on. But I also feel vaguely creepy? voyeuristic? talking to someone who's a kid in some ways. She's the one I mentioned as having the two sides of being unjaded but also kind of naive and sheltered. So we've chatted online almost every night this week and I have no idea what it means or whether she sees me as a possibility or as someone who's funny and online. And I don't know if I feel the same way about her... I almost feel like I'm taking advantage, that it's like an expert boxer going against an enthusiastic newcomer. Without trying, I could stun her... she's have no idea what hit her, and that's if I wasn't trying to deceive her. I'm not. And I don't see this as a battle. But looking at it like Nick Naylor would, she's got no defenses against me. My arguments, even my negotiations, would be like Nick and the Senate Staffer... it would be over before she knew what happened. At it worries me that I in effect don't know my own strength when it comes to this.

So that's that. And I haven't gotten to FL yet; she's the one I wrote the note to. It's not accurate to have described her as a friend, that was just a euphemism, I suppose. She's my age, has a daughter who's, well, almost of an age that I might not feel too guilty being attracted to her. the daughter that is. She lives farther away than I'd like. She contacted me, I don't know anything. I wonder if I am trying to scare her away... I'm not 100% sure I would have contacted her if she hadn't contacted me first. But I don't know because she didn't come up in my search because of the distance factor.

Out of batteries and no powercord. Maybe more later. Well, more later... maybe more tonight since it seems that I'm solo tonight.