What is normal?

Ok, so I've been separated since mid-June. I'd been on several medications before that, but June's when the real fun began. So now it's a few months later... I don't feel happy, I don't feel recovered. And I still take my medications. It occurred to me the other day I take FOUR fairly strongly psychoactive drugs on a daily or near-daily basis. Plus caffeine. I can't tell when I'm feeling blue if it's because I'm tired, or if it's something external, or something internal I'm not catching, or it's too many drugs, or not enough. I don't know where the bottom is. I can't tell what "normal" is... if I do experience it, it's so fleeting that I wouldn't know it... my moods don't last long these days. I wish more of them were positive, however.

I tried to sleep without Ambien the other night. Right after dinner I took 3 chlortrimetons. And 1 benedryl. And then at around 11:00, I took a rozarem. I was up 'til 3:00. And I don't think I felt tired at all.

It's not like it used to be--I'd be tired, but I'd start "churning" and I couldn't stop my mind. Now, I just don't get tired. I want to just click my heels three times and have the ambien kick in.

FF has pretty much disappeared. AB is still a pal, but nothing's going to happen. MM, well, she's on vacation and we've had no contact. I dont know how I feel about that. And R, I miss R. I want to cry when I think about her. Not to be overdramatic about it, but I really don't think I can live without her right now. I think that's one of the reasons I want a stable relationship, so I have that daily contact. Like I said to AB today in reference to MM, I'd rather have an hour a day with her, than nothing all week and a big friday or saturday date.